I Imagine...

Somebody's sanctuary, somewhere

I imagine myself in a future time where life is simple, honest, and genuine. It is quiet and close to nature. It acknowledges that life goes on, and the outside world still runs on busyness, and yet disconnects the need to stay tethered to it. 

I see myself in my backyard, on a warming Spring day, seeing my garden and the growth to come. I am planning, my eyes closed, my heart breathing with the trees around me. I see deep green and brown, and I smell wet and earth. The pace is rhythmic and calming. There's no rush and no holding back, only the pulse of rhythm that governs all things. I am in it. 

In it, my heart feels expansive and calm. I breathe easy with little running thoughts in my head. I feel my connection stretching above through the sky, and down through the earth. It is alive, it is real. It is all me, as much as I am it. And here, the ebb and flow goes. Inward and outward, flowing into me, through me, and past me. I become part of the wind, and still I am solid. 

I am still here. Life goes on. For all the struggles it took to get to this point, it seems all a world and a lifetime away. A faraway echo, that holds no threads to me anymore. It was another time that still had demands, and made life seem like a foe. A heavy burden, no more; but a friend. Thank you, life, my friend and my partner. We made it. I just needed to be patient and breathe to get to this point, that is now ever-flowing. 

I cannot see it now for certain, but I can imagine it. Until the substance becomes real, until this dream drifts closer to reality, like a feather floating through space, I'll call you forth everyday. It is faith, it is prayer. It is real in my heart. ~

Prayer of Forgiveness...and Grieving

From last week... during visualization and meditative exercises, I began to cry and realized how much I'd been holding in. It needed to be acknowledged. 

It's amazing that when grief and sadness show up, sometimes we have no idea what we are grieving. I know for me, by the time I recognize the feeling, the situation that triggered it may be long forgotten, and I have no idea what I'm processing... and because I then feel sad for having suppressed my feelings, I now grieve that -- that I held back and didn't allow myself to fully have the thought, the feeling, the emotion, to pass through me, and move on. So much energy is in that. What happens when water doesn't flow over the dam? Really, it's no wonder I become such an emotional mess sometimes. 

Sometimes we need to recognize parts of ourselves. Sometimes it has no other meaning than that. Why else do we cry out, but to be seen? And yet we hold it in. 

Maybe you can relate. 

(hint: for best healing effect, whisper or speak aloud from your heart)

Creator,

For all times I have suppressed anger, resentment, vengeance, bitterness... for all times of others not hearing or seeing my emotions expressed, when their bearing witness was most needed...

...for all times I have suppressed and repressed emotions that needed to be seen, heard, felt, recognized... please help me forgive myself, forgive all other people, and all others forgive me. Forgive me for depriving others of opportunity to learn, to observe vulnerability, to practice compassion and sympathy. Forgive me for fear of being hurt. Let us all love and forgive each other, opening the doorway to healing in our hearts. Please, and thank you. 

Rooting Down

A wonderful, glorious thing is happening. 

I am dancing again. Slowly, surely. 

I used to bellydance. When we moved a few years ago, I stopped. I've missed it. I dabble here and there. The movements come naturally. 

I also used to visualize in my spiritual self-care practice much more. I've rediscovered this beautiful, wondrous inner world. 

It's all exactly like flexing a muscle. It's so lovely how the body and mind remember. Getting stronger. More fluid. With each breath, each motion or image flows more vividly. 

I go out on my balcony at night, just before bed. I'm bathed in dark night and katydid song. It's just me and the moonlight. There I connect. I root myself down to the earth, I bring the earth energy up, I swirl it around my chakras. I smooth out my aura and tuck it into my grounding cord. My mind is vivid and dramatic with sounds, tools, colors, to cleanse and clear my being. Celestial energy showers down and washes clear my field, renewing me. 

Then I sway. My legs, my hips, my ribs, my shoulders, my neck... each circle loosening, warming, soothing. These isolations, I've missed! I've missed them so much. They make me want to dance again. 

How do we let things slip away so easily? How universally we welcome them back, as if time never let them go. 

Opening

Why... hello there. 

I'm not even sure where to begin. 

This purpose of starting this blog is to allow my thoughts flow unbidden. I have a lot of insight and beauty to give, and yet often it is withheld from view because it's not 'perfect' enough, or it has to be a certain way. I'm tired of being this way all the time. It means I don't create or flow as often as I should, and it's not doing the rest of the world any good, either, if nothing is seen at all. 

All day today was spent at a shamanic dreaming intensive. And it knocked the shit out of us. That's why we're all there -- to dig deeper. But it's inevitable that drilling deep into the depths of the soul dredges up a lot of shit. 

All of us there are pro's, you could say. We wouldn't be there if we didn't know the difficulty in store. Sometimes we don't even get the pristine glory of resolution at the end of the day. My sequence did turn out positively, in the end -- I felt soothed and resolved. Only to come home and lash it all out at my partner. Fuck. Whaaaat??? What's the good of that?

So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry all this emotional torment is sometimes just too fucking much for even me to handle and keep bottled inside. It doesn't do any good there, either -- and I know it! I absolutely know TOO well what sweltering pressurized shit becomes when not dealt with. 

Hence, why we're beginning this shamanic intensive. Why we 'do the work.' It's just that, for some of us, we can't help but see the unseen, or have the wishy-washy ambiguous realms of thought, emotion and spirit rattle us even more than the actual walls surrounding us. 

I'm not going to apologize for swearing. I'm not going to apologize for my intensity or references to astrology or the world of spirit. This is my worldview, this is what I have built from nothing, when previous paradigms have ceased to work. 

This is what this blog will be like. Enter at your own risk. What's all the recent talk about trigger warnings... ? 

Welcome to being human.